I still have no idea

What I want to be when I grow up

It’s true. I am nearly 70 years old, and I still don’t know.

What I want to be.

The growing up part is of course not part of the equation. I mean…. 70… should mean I am a grown-up, right?

To be honest, this has been hugely frustrating and has created a lot of stress in my life. We are, after all, expected to know what we want to be and do in our lives. Waaay before 70.

I’ll let you into a little secret: I’m not supposed to know. And THAT is a relief!

Before I explain - in a little bit of Human Design speak - let me be clear about a nuance here.

I do know what I want to BE. I have almost always known that. I want to be ME. And to be happy.

What most people mean when they ask “what to you want to be when you grow old?” is what do you want to DO. And that is what this post is about:

It’s about what do I want to do to earn a living. What do I want to devote myself to to make a difference. What kind of occupasion and career would I like to pursue.

I can vividly remember showing up to enroll in university and almost go into a state of panic. I suddenly saw myself having to shrink to fit into a mold I would never survive in. I felt suffocated.

From that day (there was no going to university, if you didn’t already figure that out) it has been a journey of trying to still be the “good girl” and do what was expected of me. Meaning finding a job and career, do my best and stick with it.

The following years have been a lot about breaking rules. Rules leaving me feeling less than. Rules made by other people and society that demanded I showed up as a watered down version of me. Rules that told me to be sensible, which in acutality meant giving up on a dream. I could go on. And on.

My challenge - which, as it turns out, is a gift - was that there was SO much I wanted to do and be. So much that lit me up. So much that inspired me.

Imagine for a moment how well that fits in with the idea of “finding your niche”.

Oh, I tried. And tried. And tried some more. And in between trying was adament that niching down is not a must.

Why was I adament? Because I KNEW. My intuition was very clear, but I still tried because “who am I to say no, when the experts say I have to”?

All of this has meant that I never got to have anything but rather expensive hobbies. No real business. No one’s fault but my own. I trusted others more than myself and still tried to blend in. Thinking I am not cut out to have a business.

So, much to my parent’s demise I tried on a myriad of different hats.

I have educated myself and taken courses in aromatherapy / essential oils, Sacral Therapy, quite a few healing modalities, NLP, health and wellness, nutrition. I am also a dog trainer and have an education as an old fashioned secretary. Even with English and Norwegian stenography (remember; I’m nearly 70). I have worked with educating and training temps in different word processing programs.

I am sure I have forgotten a few areas of interest and education, but will finally now tell you about what it is that has made me understand that I am not energetically designed to niche down;

Human Design and Quantum Human Design™ came into my life. The below image is my personal Human Design Chart. And what is circled is the Identity Center. The center for direction in life (among other things).

Notice that this center is not colored in and none of the gates (the numbers) are either. This makes it an open energy center. Which means I have no consistent access to the energy in this center. I actually take in other people’s energy from this center. And amplify it.

Niching down will for most people with this center open, feel impossible. We are meant to be and do many things over the course of our lives. I have many times felt like a shapeshifter. Have judged myself for it despite feeling like that is who and how I truly am. No more. I now know that the better I am at embracing what is a continuous evolution, the more I feel like ME.

I have learned to ask myself what lights me up right now, what feels most like me? And go with that. Many will see that as being indecisive. That’s OK. I know it is not. It is how I am energetically wired to function.

I have also learned to rest and allow it when I find myself in a vacuum, where nothing at all lights me up. That simply means that something new is about to emerge.

I would like to draw your attention to the triangle at the top of the chart as well. That is also a completely open center. Which is about inspiration. In real life this means that I can feel bombarded with inspiration left, right and center as I am picking up all the things from people and the environment around me. So no wonder I feel inspired to go in all sorts of directions.

Sounds exhausting? It isn’t, once you learn to discern what belongs to you and what belongs to other people or environments. And when you are aware that this is how you are wired to function.

So, to wrap this up: My energetic blueprint tells me that I am not supposed to always know what I want to be or do. Which explains my frustration over the years, as this is often not the norm.

Life suddenly became even more fun with this knowledge in place. And about other aspects of my chart (which we are not going into now)

If you are familiar with Human Design you will be able to read more about me by looking at my chart.

If this is gibberish to you, you can sign up for a free email course on the basics of Human Design here.

And, of course, download you own personal Human Design chart here.

I am building a portal of digital products, from which you can download (free or paid) whatever lights you up. Still in the making, but you can check it out here.

Basic Human Design reading delivered as an audio is something I am contemplating. Message me if that is of interest and I will keep you updated.

Till next time: Be brilliantly YOU!